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Johnny Look

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13th August, 2009 at 01:50:18 -

I very rarely talk about my feelings, and only with my closest friends, let alone rant in an online forum.
However for some reason, I felt like going to TDC and create this thread, which is, you guessed it, about my feelings.

A few hours ago, I thought I had lost someone I like quite a lot. To be honest, I'm fully aware it's mostly my fault, my unreflected actions hit that person badly, and not in a good way. Result: I lost her. And yes it's a girl.
For a couple of minutes, I almost felt like crying. Everything I had worked for, and every fight, everything, vanished.
Usually I'd be downbeat and think about how fucked up life is, even though I was aware since the beginning that I was the main responsible for what happened. And you know what, I did the same shit over and over again, I didn't learn with my mistakes, I kept at it until I blew it all. And even then when I realized my relationship was over I still didn't care if it was my fault or not. And honestly I still don't care. And you know why ? Because I don't care anymore about that.
This whole thing made me open my eyes, not to my mistakes but to everything else around me.
My friends, my past, my future, everything came down to me for a second. And out of nothing, I smiled and felt happy like I didn't for a long time. I had finally come to realize how lucky I am and how I always took everything for granted. A few minutes later I started looking at some photos from the town of Ecublens, Swiss, where I was born and lived my childhood (till 10), and I have to say,for every familiar place I found, a small tear came to my eye. God I miss that place !

A few hours before I broke up with the girl, my best friend, which is like a brother to me, called me and you know what my reaction was ? "Oh no, not him again" and I didn't even answer the phone.
If you want to know, right now, even with everything that happened, not answering my friend's phone call was the thing I did today I regret the most.

Funnily enough, yesterday I had a serious chat with my parents about me and my future. The conclusion: Not everything might go as I expect. I realized how everything can change for good or for bad suddenly. I have two years in university left, but what will happen after that ?

All my life I never did anything, but had everything. Now I realized I'm going to have to go after what I want, and fight for it. And I'm not only talking about my future here, I'm talking about everything around me.
It's time to grab my balls and finally fight for everything I had and lost, for everything I have, and for everything I want to have.
And now I'm happy because I realized I have a lot to fight for.

For most people here this post is not going to make much sense, but to everyone else like me it might mean something.

Thanks to everybody who took the time to read this huge post.


 
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Ski

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Candy Cane
13th August, 2009 at 01:56:43 -

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Sorry to hear about your GF. You're Swiss born? I was recently in the Jungfrau region, wouldn't have minded being born there. Some real nice towns and villages.

Edited by Ski

 
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Dr. James MD

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13th August, 2009 at 02:01:01 -

Well said bro. I have more respect for you.

But yea, the girlfriend always told me that "life doesn't always go the right way". But you can jolly well try as hard as you can to make it happen. I don't want to say any personal things but good stuff happens when you really go for it and try. Know the saying "you make your own luck"? It's bloody well true.

 
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13th August, 2009 at 02:06:11 -

I'm not sure I have any response that would be of any use except the old standby: Keep on truckin!

 

  		
  		

Dr. James MD

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13th August, 2009 at 02:12:21 -

Oh and don't worry about not picking up the phone to your friend. In this state its perfectly normal to avoid that kind of contact. After an argument myself I like to keep myself to myself too. It's just a form of recovery as you come to terms with everything that has happened, just like how you rest after an injury. When you're okay again just give him a call and go out for a beer/paintball/mario kart sesh* (delete where applicable).
And why not go back to Ecublens? Make it a goal or something. But I know what you mean about stuff like that. I spent a long time in Southern Poland as a kid, I wasn't brought up there really but when I go back now it's like visiting a really obese relative who you never see enough of. If that makes sense .

 
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Johnny Look

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13th August, 2009 at 03:41:09 -

Thanks a lot for the support guies !

adam: Indeed, swiss is a wonderful country, I really miss those beautiful landscapes
Judging by the name, Jungfrau is in the german speaking part of the country right ? I lived near Lausanne, located in the canton of Vaud (french speaking part), which is really close to the wonderful Leman lake.

James: Very true that, too bad I found it the hard way.
btw my friend called me before the argument, that's why I felt so bad about not picking up the phone. But yeah I'll surely call him tomorrow, and I'll probably be able to spend some time with him and have a beer (had to chose the first option ), that will surely help me get over what happened.
About going back to Ecublens, it is one of my main goals for the next summer. Right now it's too late, but I have still some relatives there who always visit us here in Portugal every summer so I get to pay only the ticket to return, and I don't have to look for a place to sleep, so it's a realistic goal.

Edited by Johnny Look

 
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13th August, 2009 at 04:22:50 -

You've still got it better than me. I've never had a meaningful relationship and have no friends IRL or on the internet.

 
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13th August, 2009 at 07:46:03 -

If there's something I know it's as was said previously, life doesn't go the "right" way. Things happen, things change. The one thing I probably know about the most is things changing, a lot of things changed in my group of friends over the period of a few years and I frantically tried to "un-do" them and make things the way they used to be. And then I realised that change is inevitable and to accept it, because trying to revert change in your life is like pissing in the wind. And when people started to notice and freak out about how things had changed, I just sat back and said well, that's the way it is and there's nothing you can do about it.

 
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Pixelthief

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13th August, 2009 at 11:33:27 -

It could be worse.

 
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Ski

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Candy Cane
13th August, 2009 at 13:41:46 -

"adam: Indeed, swiss is a wonderful country, I really miss those beautiful landscapes
Judging by the name, Jungfrau is in the german speaking part of the country right ? I lived near Lausanne, located in the canton of Vaud (french speaking part), which is really close to the wonderful Leman lake."

Yeah, German speaking...they were mostly okay I guess, amazing food >_<; There were a few french speaking people, too. Along with thousands of Chinese tourists o.o But yes the landscapes are incredibly epic Does Leman lake have crazy blue water, too?

 
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13th August, 2009 at 18:59:04 -

Good Luck in your fight.

 
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13th August, 2009 at 19:10:02 -

Holy shit man.
That post just made a lot of things clearer to me aswell.
You do have a lot to fight for, and im sure if you truely want it, you wont stop fighting.
Good luck man, and I must say, you have some balls for posting that.


 
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13th August, 2009 at 19:22:55 -

You're right it doesn't make much sense to me.

But it's written very nicely!

 
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Johnny Look

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13th August, 2009 at 23:00:07 -

Thanks everyone

adam: ahaha yeah one of the things I miss the least is the food.
Oh and about the water of the leman lake, look by yourself:

Image

This is the Chillon castle, I remember visiting the monument several times, and it wasn't that far from where I lived.

 
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13th August, 2009 at 23:06:33 -

Good post dude, very heart-felt and deep. I went that way of thinking myself about 15 years ago, now i live by numerous phrases, cliches and song lyrics, including this baby from Guns 'N' Roses' "Mr. Brownstone";

"I don't worry about nothing no coz worrying's a waste of my (f***ing) time!", which is sooooo true!

And girlfriends? I was gutted when i ended my first proper relationship and though i was really upset at hurting her feelings at the time, i kept my head together because i knew it was the right thing to do. And it was. And now, 8 years after we finished, i don't really care about it much anymore! Time is a great healer, they say! That and the fact my memory ain't too grand either!

Oh yeah, and fighting to get things in your life is much much more rewarding than having things handed to you - just looking at all my Transformers and the Terminator models on my TV (gf hates seeing them there! lol) and knowing i used to have debt and now i have a really healthy bank balance makes me feel good about myself.

And that's a good thing!



 
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Ski

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13th August, 2009 at 23:18:48 -


Originally Posted by Johnny Look
Thanks everyone

adam: ahaha yeah one of the things I miss the least is the food.
Oh and about the water of the leman lake, look by yourself:

Image

This is the Chillon castle, I remember visiting the monument several times, and it wasn't that far from where I lived.



Awesome almost looks CGI I was staying next to a lake (Lake Brienz) There was a castle turret but we didn't go near it, infact we only noticed it on the last day of our visit (it was that much of a castle )

Image

 
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W3R3W00F

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13th August, 2009 at 23:50:01 -

Dude, sorry about your GF!

I was very moved by this post- I almost felt like I WAS you while I read it.

Yeah, life shoves my face into the jagged gravel plenty of times, where I feel like I'm such a failure and I'll make it through life but accomplish nothing in the process. It's a mutual but nonetheless harsh feeling! The only way to get rid of it is to have faith and confidence in yourself, and as you mentioned, to work for it.

And when you fall, you get right back up and try again. Just like how MMF2 has crashes my comp so many times that I haven't used it in forever, but even though I lose all that progress I'm determined to retry and set things straight again.

Through all trial and error, I wish you the best of luck in life!

 
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Dr. James MD

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14th August, 2009 at 00:32:32 -

I really want to get into HDR photography like in Johnny's pic. That's one of my goals even though it's p**s easy apparently.

 
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14th August, 2009 at 01:03:48 -

This is really inspiring though, once I read it with more time to spare.

 
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UrbanMonk

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14th August, 2009 at 02:50:37 -


Originally Posted by ωξяξW○○F
And when you fall, you get right back up and try again. Just like how MMF2 has crashes my comp so many times that I haven't used it in forever, but even though I lose all that progress I'm determined to retry and set things straight again.



I love how you compared MMF2 to life.

I've lost a girlfriend before, once, but I'm determined not to let it happen again!
It was both our fault, well mostly mine, but I'm being smart now!

Good Luke with life!

Edited by UrbanMonk

 
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Scott S

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14th August, 2009 at 03:41:34 -

Gah forgot how to embedd videos. However http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHPOzQzk9Qo&feature=fvst Great little song for you. And sorry to hear about that bud.

Edited by Scott S

 
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14th August, 2009 at 06:49:54 -

Break-ups are horrible. The first is the worst. I've seen people take years to get over them.. some people never do. Doesn't even matter whose fault it is.. but it's perfectly normal. It's sort of like a first step in life, something like a bird getting kicked out of it's nest to learn to fly, but ends up landing on its face. Not answering your friend's call is a perfectly normal thing to do, and I think if he's ever gone through the same thing, he'd understand.

Tough things make you stronger.. they hurt, but I assure you, every single person you've ever idolized will far more tough moments in life than you'd believe. (And sort of why a lot of legends end up killing themselves.) Just stick through it. You'll look back at things 10 years from now and not regret anything.

 
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14th August, 2009 at 07:19:06 -

Beautifully written. And you should be happy, cause someone has to be, right?

I can't ever remember a time longer than a few fleeting moments that I have ever been happy; ever. There have been very few such moments. I can only imagine how it must feel to be that way all the time, so ... happy.
I'm almost the opposite of you, having very few things ever given me and growing up in a polluted crap-stain of a town with ugly scenery (including a filthy stinking river that I would not dare swim in) and earning every little bit I have and struggling with every little thing, and I can't write with beauty or peaceful poetic prose of the heart, for my heart is bitter and filled with rage at the days gone by.

I have always been grateful for the smallest of things. I have always searched for change and fought for it only to fail over and over again. I am cursed, this I know, it is in my blood as it was in my fathers and his fathers and yet I continue struggling on in hopes that something will change, that something good will happen, that I can dissipate the negative energy blocking my path so that I can finally grasp the few simple goals that I ever strive to attain. And as the years quickly dwindle, I've acquired a few conveniences that I worked hard to obtain, my car (nothing fancy), a few old videogames and my computer. The television is borrowed from my dad so yea, that's about it unless you count the computer desk I dragged outta someone elses garbage and cleaned up or the old beatup dresser with knobs missing, or my bed with broken springs and my non-namebrand clothing. I just thank God that I grew up in the USA instead of some 3rd-world country without plumbing and electricity.

So think of the struggling, the starving, poor, depressed, and the psychologically unbalanced.
Those problems are samplings from some of the stages of my life.
Think how many others are out there who have had it even worse than I.
Now look at how silly losing a girfriend sounds in comparison to those people's problems.

Time may heal all wounds, but guess what, we only have a limited amount of time on this Earth.
Make the best of it while you can. You are priviledged my friend, and for the little bit I have so am I.

You know, I felt like I was a rich man the day I could finally afford this computer.
And it took years to pay off my simple economy car.
Those are the only things of value that I own, but I got them of my own accord, with noone else's help.
And currently I have no girlfriend again and it's not such a bad thing, you probably just got too emotionally invested.

At least you didn't get her pregnant! ... Then you'd really have a problem. Take my cousin for instance, he made that mistake.
Btw, you probably have more to fight for than me. I currently have very little and I'm fighting a very different battle, a fight to change my station in life, and it very well may be an impossible task. So count your blessings.


 
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Johnny Look

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14th August, 2009 at 15:17:16 -

Thanks everyone !
adam: ahaha yeah the Swiss castles blend very well with the landscape.

scott: Thanks, I don't have flash installed in this computer but I'll surely check it out later, thanks.

muz: Well this one was far from being my first serious relationship, and while I believe what you said is true, what happened to me was exactly the opposite. I faced my first breakup almost naturally, I was like "this going to die sooner or later, better end this instead of losing my time" and I did, and I got over her less than a week later.

One of the things that made feel so bad about losing this girl was that I was afraid of loosing her since we started dating. She is one of the cutest girls I ever met, so I had to deal with a good share of dickheads who tried to get after her, even though they were aware she had a boyfriend. Naturally they all failed, but still I never felt totally safe, even though she never gave me reasons to feel like that. And now I managed to blew it all by myself, and now that I think of it, it's surprising she didn't ditch me sooner.

MBK: You know, after reading your post I kind of feel envy of you.
When you got your computer for example, you achieved a goal and I'm sure you felt really happy.
I have 3 laptops and a broken PC, and do you think I felt any happier when I received any of them ? Nope, I was like "cool, a better computer, hopefully now I can play Crysis with the high details on". Honestly, right now I feel like a asshole.
You on the other hand, feel grateful for everything you have. Right now I can't feel like you, because I don't feel like I own anything, everything was handed out to me.
And I'm not only talking about material goods here, I'm talking about friends, girlfriends, everything. I never had to work hard to get any of them, but now I see how all of them worked hard to get me. My ex gf being a good example of this, she fought for us all this time, when she realized the fight wasn't paying off, she gave up and moved on. And I learnt a huge lesson.


 
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14th August, 2009 at 15:40:29 -


Originally Posted by Johnny Look

I have 3 laptops and a broken PC, and do you think I felt any happier when I received any of them ? Nope, I was like "cool, a better computer, hopefully now I can play Crysis with the high details on".


Haha, that was my exact same thought when I built a new PC for a relative. "can I nick this when she's away and play Crysis on high?". Infact my next PC is going to be built around playing Crysis at max settings and max resolution .

 
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