I very rarely talk about my feelings, and only with my closest friends, let alone rant in an online forum.
However for some reason, I felt like going to TDC and create this thread, which is, you guessed it, about my feelings.
A few hours ago, I thought I had lost someone I like quite a lot. To be honest, I'm fully aware it's mostly my fault, my unreflected actions hit that person badly, and not in a good way. Result: I lost her. And yes it's a girl.
For a couple of minutes, I almost felt like crying. Everything I had worked for, and every fight, everything, vanished.
Usually I'd be downbeat and think about how fucked up life is, even though I was aware since the beginning that I was the main responsible for what happened. And you know what, I did the same shit over and over again, I didn't learn with my mistakes, I kept at it until I blew it all. And even then when I realized my relationship was over I still didn't care if it was my fault or not. And honestly I still don't care. And you know why ? Because I don't care anymore about that.
This whole thing made me open my eyes, not to my mistakes but to everything else around me.
My friends, my past, my future, everything came down to me for a second. And out of nothing, I smiled and felt happy like I didn't for a long time. I had finally come to realize how lucky I am and how I always took everything for granted. A few minutes later I started looking at some photos from the town of Ecublens, Swiss, where I was born and lived my childhood (till 10), and I have to say,for every familiar place I found, a small tear came to my eye. God I miss that place !
A few hours before I broke up with the girl, my best friend, which is like a brother to me, called me and you know what my reaction was ? "Oh no, not him again" and I didn't even answer the phone.
If you want to know, right now, even with everything that happened, not answering my friend's phone call was the thing I did today I regret the most.
Funnily enough, yesterday I had a serious chat with my parents about me and my future. The conclusion: Not everything might go as I expect. I realized how everything can change for good or for bad suddenly. I have two years in university left, but what will happen after that ?
All my life I never did anything, but had everything. Now I realized I'm going to have to go after what I want, and fight for it. And I'm not only talking about my future here, I'm talking about everything around me.
It's time to grab my balls and finally fight for everything I had and lost, for everything I have, and for everything I want to have.
And now I'm happy because I realized I have a lot to fight for.
For most people here this post is not going to make much sense, but to everyone else like me it might mean something.
Thanks to everybody who took the time to read this huge post.
But yea, the girlfriend always told me that "life doesn't always go the right way". But you can jolly well try as hard as you can to make it happen. I don't want to say any personal things but good stuff happens when you really go for it and try. Know the saying "you make your own luck"? It's bloody well true.
Oh and don't worry about not picking up the phone to your friend. In this state its perfectly normal to avoid that kind of contact. After an argument myself I like to keep myself to myself too. It's just a form of recovery as you come to terms with everything that has happened, just like how you rest after an injury. When you're okay again just give him a call and go out for a beer/paintball/mario kart sesh* (delete where applicable).
And why not go back to Ecublens? Make it a goal or something. But I know what you mean about stuff like that. I spent a long time in Southern Poland as a kid, I wasn't brought up there really but when I go back now it's like visiting a really obese relative who you never see enough of. If that makes sense .
adam: Indeed, swiss is a wonderful country, I really miss those beautiful landscapes
Judging by the name, Jungfrau is in the german speaking part of the country right ? I lived near Lausanne, located in the canton of Vaud (french speaking part), which is really close to the wonderful Leman lake.
James: Very true that, too bad I found it the hard way.
btw my friend called me before the argument, that's why I felt so bad about not picking up the phone. But yeah I'll surely call him tomorrow, and I'll probably be able to spend some time with him and have a beer (had to chose the first option ), that will surely help me get over what happened.
About going back to Ecublens, it is one of my main goals for the next summer. Right now it's too late, but I have still some relatives there who always visit us here in Portugal every summer so I get to pay only the ticket to return, and I don't have to look for a place to sleep, so it's a realistic goal.
If there's something I know it's as was said previously, life doesn't go the "right" way. Things happen, things change. The one thing I probably know about the most is things changing, a lot of things changed in my group of friends over the period of a few years and I frantically tried to "un-do" them and make things the way they used to be. And then I realised that change is inevitable and to accept it, because trying to revert change in your life is like pissing in the wind. And when people started to notice and freak out about how things had changed, I just sat back and said well, that's the way it is and there's nothing you can do about it.
"adam: Indeed, swiss is a wonderful country, I really miss those beautiful landscapes
Judging by the name, Jungfrau is in the german speaking part of the country right ? I lived near Lausanne, located in the canton of Vaud (french speaking part), which is really close to the wonderful Leman lake."
Yeah, German speaking...they were mostly okay I guess, amazing food >_<; There were a few french speaking people, too. Along with thousands of Chinese tourists o.o But yes the landscapes are incredibly epic Does Leman lake have crazy blue water, too?
Holy shit man.
That post just made a lot of things clearer to me aswell.
You do have a lot to fight for, and im sure if you truely want it, you wont stop fighting.
Good luck man, and I must say, you have some balls for posting that.
Your just jealous that you're not as awesome as me.
(And my megaman avatar )
Good post dude, very heart-felt and deep. I went that way of thinking myself about 15 years ago, now i live by numerous phrases, cliches and song lyrics, including this baby from Guns 'N' Roses' "Mr. Brownstone";
"I don't worry about nothing no coz worrying's a waste of my (f***ing) time!", which is sooooo true!
And girlfriends? I was gutted when i ended my first proper relationship and though i was really upset at hurting her feelings at the time, i kept my head together because i knew it was the right thing to do. And it was. And now, 8 years after we finished, i don't really care about it much anymore! Time is a great healer, they say! That and the fact my memory ain't too grand either!
Oh yeah, and fighting to get things in your life is much much more rewarding than having things handed to you - just looking at all my Transformers and the Terminator models on my TV (gf hates seeing them there! lol) and knowing i used to have debt and now i have a really healthy bank balance makes me feel good about myself.