Dustin Gunn Gnarly Tubular Way Cool Awesome Groovy Mondo
11th January, 2005 at 18:55:46 -
Too hard? Luckily, I keep everything. Enjoy:
"Intro... this game... has been in progress for over a year... no, stay, sit. I'm not busting your balls. Shut up, you need to learn trust. No foolies. The hype affecting this review? No... my expectations were about as high as they were from announcement to completion, with the demo dramatically helping it stat firmly in place. Here we go, the review of Mr. Stump(')s Dentures:
I'm not one to be overly critical, as you can see from my previous reviews here at this fine website... and I don't think I'm being overly critical here either. It's just what I think. Let's start at the easiest place... the graphics... Imagine Circy's well-established world. Here, to protect themselves from the environment, each plant, animal, building and generic little dude has grown a 2nd layer of outline-o-skeleton. Also, it appears everything is made of (Very dithery) paper that is either slightly bent on the horizontal or vertical plane. Odd, you might say. But anything is possible inside the body of a very disturbed individual such as Mr. Stump. Now, the graphics are shockingly simple to allow for diarrea-smooth animations.... right? RIGHT??? Oh... Oh, I'm sorry... I didn't mean anything by it, really!
Now the much-bragged about gameplay comes into my sadistic spot-light: Ok, have you played Santa's Christmas Cracker? Or bychance have you sampled the Wibble Wacky World demo? Well, congratulations, folks; you've played Mr. Stumps Dentures! You can all take a breather and give your respective selves a pat on the back. Now where were we... oh, yes. What would a Circy game be without the horribly unforgiveable difficulty? Well, better for one thing, but let's get off of that dream, for if it is to come true one day, today is not such a day! Get this: You have 3 lives.... to complete.... the whole fucking... err, the whole decently-lengthy (Happy? Freakin' mormons...) game with... add unbearably cheap bosses and unusually hardcore level design, mix, bake with Circy's special topper (Read: Semen) for 30 minutes. The first time I got the game over screen I was more than annoyed. "Oh no! I have to replay that substage again!" floated through my flimsy mind. Then it came across the possibility that I might have to replay the entire stage again and I was mortified to say the least. Then the Euphoric Rush logo greeted me. My emergency responce executed and my fingers immediately went to the alt and the F4 to end my suffering. Ok, so he wants us to replay the game as some evil way for us to play the game extra carefully (IE: NO!). And I would have had much less of a problem with it if the actual game were more fun than staring at my keyboard while a sole string of drool runs down my face... Errrm, continue on, faithful readers:
The goal: To get to the little vent thingy (What is that anyhow?). The obstacles: Endless amounts of similarly behaving enemies with not only no intelligence but extremely limited movements. Of course you have to jump 5 or 6... thousand times to reach the end, but everything is so bland, so repetetive, that you'd rather walk up to one of the millions of guys that look just like you and commit assisted suicide. Any special tricks to mix things up? Well, there's springs! Totally, inspiringly fresh idea! Moving platforms make a few million appearances to spice things up, too! There's a few gimmicks per level but nothing truly adds to the gameplay, but rather is a dreary excercise in timing (Read: Patience). This does not a good game make, folks... Oh, and the boss fights are not only cheap, boring and too lengthy, but they are extremely repetitious... not to mention cheap, boring, and too lengthy! There's also more random niggles thrown in to bother you as a special bonus! Witness the amazing timed death-traps that only start when you're right next to them, so you stop yourself from having a speedy good time to wait for the gapingly huge interval and continue on your not-so-merry way unto madness. Then you meet the fun snow level where you not only lose your footing on icy ground but on normal ground and in the middle of the air too! Add hideous jumping excersizes and you can easily lose all 3 lives... because you'll be too busy growing an anurism to care about keeping Mr. Jerkoff alive.
The sound? You know that thing inside your PC called a "PC speaker"? Well, Circy stuck a mic up to his tower and performed some illegal operations (Read: Michael Jackson) to capture this stunning collection of sound bytes! The music? It ain't bad, and it's original too, so a bit of props to the outline (rain) man are in order!
Bottom line: I want my god damned quarter back, you stupid $$%^&$&^&*$%^$%^"
Dustin Gunn Gnarly Tubular Way Cool Awesome Groovy Mondo
12th January, 2005 at 09:53:39 -
last time I heard fully illegal creditless ripping of commercial sprites YOU WERE DOING IT AND LYING ABOUT IT! What a coincidence. Go away. NO! Not that way, you must take the special route, the walk of shame...
Haha, this is so funny it's lame. Come February, MSD would have been on the net for a year. Since then, it has appeared at Gamehippo and Home Of The Underdogs. I've been approached by various magazines around the world wanting it to be in their publications. Whether you like it or not, MSD has been very successful, and very popular. I have asked for none of this. I have not approached the magazines. I have not approached the websites. If it were to get all that publicity, MSD must have something going for it. Now go home and make another crappy (and insignificant) Evil Dead game.