The bussines man
Submitted:|| 11th July, 2005
Now... What might really makes a game to be consumpt or downloaded better?
I will not offer you any ways to get higher ranks A++'s or better user rates or grades, but for the people who want to post submission on massive downloading sites I suggest these several agressive, buissnesman advices.
If you are a starter, or a veteran who just seems that he can't
get recognized by others, then you can find here several ways for getting promotions which I've collected in the last several months mostly by looking at different files & downloadables that might be offered here and there!
Shall we begin...
Part I - And I'm still a nice-guy here.
Help the poor guys Slogan
Addict your game motives for an important world activity, like saving nature and forests,
non abusive treatment for animals, being against world globalizing...
Though you'll might had a poorly drawn pup in your game on a white background it won't
matter because you are a new world savior!!! (I hope that I didn't offended anyone until now! Wer'e just on the begining!)
Simple tricks is to use allot of fade-outs in the splash screens and logos...
Yeah, It's the Fade-out that will make your game look really serious, at least for the first
Your trusty brother mario!
Sure! And Sonic too! They all here to make these drooling fans to take another download,
though there are no mashrooms this time, and you were too lazy for drawing coins, and also replaced the goombas with stick figures or Southpark's cartmans... He-he! Yeah... And you have to shoot them with tiny red bullets or ballssince jumping is too old fasioned (Yeah! Balls are Prefered! Because there's no time! It's X-mas & Your fans are waiting for you!)... , and these suckers don't really care. Then... It's mario! And sonic! But make sure that graphics are stolen and/or ripped!
Sp instead of losing time, lose your mind! And if you sell it pirated! You'll might get enough money for new shoes!
Lazyguys! Wer'e sometime need to make efforts by actual work!
Before fucking up, and then taking care the newborns and the one's you like and care about so much...
(No! And I don't mean to your relatives & family who doesn't counts here!
It's the little kids & users who thrive for your new sword slashing ripoff!)
So until the full game is ready! You can make a decent 1 level demo first...
promiss your new user-pets, loads and tons of features and unlockables on the full game...
No one need to know it's the same level r-e-u-s-e-d copied and pasted
(Do it to me) again and again, but only having a funny bottle of ketchop at level 6... and a flying Cow(Dog? Goat looking?)
2 levels later... Just for additional continued rolling fun! Buhhhh!!!
Strange quotations - !!!מפגרים!!! תורידו
Otherwise, You can just call your game in a weird name, Giving it a name in Japanese, Chinese ,Hebrew or Zulu Language
call it in a strange attractive name... So the many people who knows, will be so curious to find out!
Heh... I've once made a sucky game
called Pie factory - Ke Ki Kojou... Didn't had to put much efforts, And it's
my most downloaded on winsite if I can remember!...
I'm sure that many was from
(What?!? They call americans stupid aliens! I just help you getting a backfight!)
I don't care if it has Gaiden add to it's name or Gay-Dan!
As japanese people picks weird food and weird pets to play with... They will be losing their minds playing your outstanding new game... You'll get your time saved instead of losing gravity!
!יאללה חיות! כנסו
So your last game was a smash(!) And you got 1,000 downloads on C-net? Why not changing some backgrounds alittle?
Change some text on splash screen, rip another midi, draw (I mean replace) another pixel tree, Change the logo at sceen alittle adding it: Episode 2 text, Version 1.2... 1.5 or Gold version... From A to P It's the basically the same...
but it might brings more desired fame!
Fool of the village
For enough stupid games, you'll twich or trice the download counts and fans!
Bush get's wunded again, Your cat dances crazy, Throwing pies on politician, Mutant space llama... Strive in space to return home for your favorate bag of snacks if good record has set, Puzzle up that famous chick again...
So many faults of you, that they must check out your new download to laugh about! But it worth the download matter!
While thrilled to recognize what will be your next joke,
your crowd gathers in houndreds or thousands at C-net, No-Nags, Yahoogames(?)
or the bashfull SA(Now! That's a shame! And all evidence should be burried!)
And I ask myself... What if they will see your Gem over and over?
1,2,3,4 and 5 times and someone might be interested to buy your packs!
And It's all begun with a joke! I tell ya!
one of your PRIME steps can be a joke rolled & started, can simply by posting a foolish image with a meaningless term, shapes of things such as: Strawberries or Gums! or... Flamingos!... and then... Just toss a game from it...
Like that all known "All your base"... Quote and where it ends...
Anyway this time the base has taken by these new colorful martians...
And that reminds me... RPG is also a good weapon!
Call it an RPG game... Though it is not!
Remember the fact that it's just like saying it's an alternative rock, or a Radiohead-related genre when making a new music track... While it's actually something more artificial, So let these suckers ONLY to figue out trough playing your game that it is nothing but a crude joke!
So when your game is already in their PC's RAM, And with no special effects needed! these users might be so wrathfull until they'd get a sissure and even faint!
So don't wake up tomorrow, somewhere & forget that fact! RPG might rules upon D-Charts realms!
Technology of the future!
These guys will be interested to know,
that the engines in your game are involved with a *Shiny* inovative looking technology that seldomly used before in this realm! Drive them up with neo-technology!
Yeah! you should be proud of yourself that time, though your game came out quite messy! >=
Turn others uglyheads
Just tell the visitors that they have nothing to search at Pacbomber II
since it's a limited Ad ware that suck! Click-Team might be little painfull BTC's... But no!
Since they'd trashed us K&P there are No forced ads on their products...
At least not these who sent you to your affiliated merchants!
There for, they should download your game! Since all others are bastards who want the green ones!
And all you want is love & peace! Look at that slogan at your splash screen that calls to free all captured soldiers at the viatnam war!
We'll make a better world if you'll
download my game, So toss out the other money sucking Tet/Pac-lamer monsters!
Part II - More agressive ways! (Danger sissies! Mild Vulgar language & racist expressions!)
Get thrillin' the criminal mafia bizman in you!
Be sure that almost no one refuses this since boobs blitzing bringing in!
(unless there's a superpowered puss on the line made by a master author!!!)
hot nipples, burning vaginas...
and yes... Use ilegal ways too!
Chat voices stealing & Childs porn is very good,
since you'll make more downloads by appearing on warez sites!
Get into da-hole! Advertise every ware, everywhere!!!
Even on nasty places!
No! Don't bother to be forums banned, don't be afraid to use spammer appz! Don't be afraid to reach mail lists, and be sure that if your fizzualy & extremly rich,
you can have your banners on main portals, or promiss banner swaps with suckers around
the net!!! And feel free not to make your promiss with them!
If they are suckers: Then let them suffer
Lies & Exeggerates
Want more people to consumpt your game? Lie in the description!
It can be small lies to make it look alittle more neat... Got 9 levels? Say it's ten!
No one would know that you ment that level 9 is half screen bigger so it actually makes
it two levels... Besides... The last 9'th level is very hard... They wouldn't even want to know that there's no level 10 after it making them satisied already!... Didn't really got porno in your game? Then lie! Say that there's a secret, burried deep inside That you can spank! (Just get enough tokens for it!)
These guys who download it, might get the bends, or be killed by cancer... Some suckers will stay months sitting near their PC's, eating almost nothing so they might suffering from lack of vitamin C, or even die, since they run around the levels of your game, searching for porn secrets! Be sure that their potential death, will prevent them to give review it, so you're probably saved!
C.I.A are'nt that available around to arrest you! Just use and alternate email adress,
invate fearsome stories about strange desease that your cousins have, fool people with imaginary
false beliefs, and threat others for taking control of their homes, buissness or murdering them! Thee-Hee-Hee!!! Yeah! Even go to the streets with a knife or a refile when
the police isn't around and force some kids in the park to have a click on da-link! Cause you might got your partner for a hit! and if not they will get Sh** in their face! Since They walk on thin ice, or could be found themselves sucked into deep sand! So beware!
They have no chance to survive! Hrrr-Hrrr-Hrrr!!! Make your time!
You can also add a little term of use file, hire
some nasty buissnessmen and invite cops each time that someone violates the terms, and you might even win the downloader's properties & work/sustenance area! Uhaaaa-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaaaahhh!!!
Communism, Racizm, Nazism... Maybe these are the potentail areas for getting downloaders?
Since some of us are racists deep inside, and not really want to join the YMCA as we use to say... we can all, (Yes!) know that racist sites need
special attractions for visitors to make them accept their way of thinking... So you don't have to be
a pro here...
Mostly luck... Be sure that weaker players like women & kids could pass your game too if your proto version of your game, just getting to difficult... Yeah... & Not much is expected, 5 levels maximum,... A scrible that describes terms like shit as same as a nation or people with a color that they hate...
A ripped picture of a shaved skank or bunch of sick rats colonies, or a drooling retarded guy at the begining, saying something like:
Though we didn't finish termination - Our cross will clean our nation
And be sure that France, Germany, and parts of the white U.S. are the right attractions...
You know? Let the players collect some nasty stuff related to your target deficiency, at the begining (or end) of the level so you can make additional disgrace, and humiliate more the target that you so love to hate... If these people , or nations or even a specific person your'e bashing, are true inferior in mind, or got strange type of insomnia, they won't even notice and wont even fight you back!
Drop dead future! As long as your suck-ars character don't fight nude against hitler himself instead of helping him to conquer the world, Then all the deads in the next 3'rd world war are nothing,
when you need your own downloads today!
Get that girl!
If you'll have a girl and you'll fuck her, your friends and other people will be convinced
that your'e enough man to have a download from your game... I might sound like I repeat myself
(And it is good because it Lengths my post!) but having your gal naked on your site with comments like,
See me masturbating on the DL page!, Download it for my delight!, file forbid! Porno me here!
Otherwise, You can offer a prostitution service at a download cost. Be sure that friend bring friend or a pyramid type service will force your gal to give oral and anal sex too as additional prize!
I hope that I was helping you people out there,
As I wrote,(Post length!) you can be a starter, or a veteran who just can't seems to
get recognized by others, or just having awful games that you've made... Not that it's new to me, when looking again at the ammount of advices that I gave... sometimes agression, deals these earthworms that stands in your way... They don't
really gunned as you think! They were ported, crossed, or remixed alittle for another consule rippof!
(Some porno sites even attrack suckers in their webs milkings some $$$ out of them! You might be as lucky as them or even 10'th times more! Good luck!)
Yeah, And you there! Yes! You! (That ethical fight for the right! chick! there might be at least one of these here to read!)
Harsh these advanced graphic!, cheesy sounds, and Mega-outstanding gameplay!
Accept the fact that this is the best and futuristicly clean and legal way in life for us to attract downloaders!!! (Yes... As soon as we all get used to corruption nowdays, It turns legitimate! And you can just say bye bye... I mean... Buy! Buy!)
Accept that fact as a precept!
or you'll might be forced to have me a baby! Hear me girl,
cause I'm now getting really mad!!! No vows!!!