Kliker's guide to being a newbie!
Author:|| Jack Frost
Submitted:|| 14th January, 2002
Kliker's guide to the galaxy...mmmmm maybe later....to erm....being a newbie!
Warning, this article is a joke, if you do not like jokes then do not read, if you however have a sense of humour then carry on, I've heard that this article is much like wolfenstien, it's boring at the start but it good futher on.... so anyway, if you don't like to laugh then don't read!!!!!!
seriousness will be your downfall!!
So, you're new, you're lost in the big bad world of kliking, don't worry, just read this step by step guide on howto be a newbie and you'll be fine.
Well, first off I ask you a question, WHY?!?! WHY?!?!? WHY OH WHY DID YOU COME TO THIS TERRIBLE PLACE??!?!?
Maybe a friend recommended you, if this is the case then I suggest a sharp kick to the testicles, followed by removing the eyes with a teaspoon. If your friend is female then I suggest you stop kliking and start becoming more than friends
Where was I, oh yes, you have to ask yourself, do you think you're ready for the humilation that comes with the klik community, remember, this community is filled with liars, thieves, people who can't spell thieves, dealers, wheelers, one armed bandits, one handed typers, people who think a 9 incher is IMPOSSIBLE! and generally bad people... news just in, kris smokes weed, see, bad people!
So weigh up your possibilities, klik community or general internet sites, porn maybe, I heard that a lot of people go on those sorts of sites, not that I would, not with my reputation.
What you say? Need something to pass the time that you have a possible parent watching the screen.....ahhhhhh time to join the klik community then.
First you need a name, bah, don't call yourself fallen angel, natomic or vreal, nah, you need a good name.
Here's a suggestion:
Team Ultimate X
Team shows you're in a team, people will instantly join and do all the work for you!
Ultimate shows you are thet best in the world! You're the ultimate! You deserve to be!
What's with the X, you say. Well X or Z makes people think it is great, examples:
See, it works.
Next you need to find a way into the community!
First thing's first, get an IRC application, download from www.mirc.com, connect to twisted.dal.net and join #k&p .
People here speak a whole different langauge, I will take you through the basic steps of howto fit in, talk the talk and walk the walk.
people with an @ next to thier name, they think they're god, they have the @ because they think they need to be halo'ed like angels, pelt them with tomatos, they are the devil!
Next, people with +v next to thier names, they are women, double click on thier name and chat away, they also love cybersex very much. They think it relieves stress, wow. I've heard it works. Here's some user testimonies:
|Mint_Man| Cybersex relieves stress 100% of the time, thank you cybersex
All other users denied ever having cybersex.
|Kris| I'm not having cybersex
But as you will know, kris is notorious for rolling up a joint and getting some from the ladies, on and offline.
Next onto the lingo, you may think that how klikers speak is much like your net lingo, You're wrong.
Let me take you through some of thier talk.
LOL means Lick Old Ladies, a very offensive term indeed.
WB means Welcome B*st*rd, even more offense cause by this.
If someone slaps you with a fish you have to say "got more?" because they are fish loving people.
If you get kicked by someone with an @ by thier name, it means they have fallen madly in love with you.
Another good way to promote yourself is to say how good you are, even if you're not, remember, all klikers are liars so it's time to blag like you can program quake3 in klik.
Next thing is, klikers love a challenge, so ask them to create ultima online in klik, they will love the challenge and become your friend for life.
There are also some secret words which you must understand:
FroZtByte means satan, whenever you hear this name you must shout abuse about this person and if you see him on IRC then you must shout even more.
Warez means games, if you want to ask if there are any good games out, just ask "Anybody got any good warez??"
CraigJ means god, if you hear this name you must shout "CRAIGJ IS TEH TEAM ULTIMATE X GOD!!!!111"
Remember all of this and you will become the most loved person ever.
The final thing is "ive lost my mmf cdkey please send" this is the secret code meaning "hello, I wish to have many friends".
Next up, making games, no matter how much they tell you, klikers love when you make pong or breakout games using 2 colour graphics. Once you make this and post it on your favourite community site then you will find your mailbox filled with delightful e-mails congradulating your achievements, sound easy? It is, it's really THAT simple.
Next you need to consider who you are going to be friends with and who you aren't. If you talk to everybody lots in private chat then they will be your friends. Another way to get friends is to keep repeating "Everyone be my friend!" until they understand, mirc has a nice feature for this, after you have typed it once and pressed enter, press the up key and hit enter again. Yay you have made more friends than you know what to do with.
So remember the three ground rules of being a newbie.
1) Act like you're god.
2) Shout and ask for "warez".
3) If you are kicked then you are loved, if you are banned then the person who banned you wants to marry you, if you are banned then consider yourself lucky, very lucky.
Well that's about it, once you act like this, you should slide right into klik life.
Oh one more handy hint, make south park game, EVERYBODY LOVES SOUTH PARK GAMES!!!!!
- Jack Frost
The meaning of life, this will actually come, don't you worry.